"He's being difficult" — parents use that for a dozen different things: whining at dinner, refusing to get dressed, haggling over cartoons, screaming on the shop floor. Reacting to all of them the same way does not work: what helps when a child is acting up is useless in a tantrum, and what is right in a tantrum spoils a child who is merely acting up. Below is one scene taken apart — and we start with telling the two apart.
The scene
A shop, the checkout queue. A three-year-old spots a chocolate egg on the stand. "No" — and he is on the floor: screaming, arching his back, not hearing you. The queue is watching.
What to do depends on the circumstances. The scene is an illustration, not a real family.
What to find out before acting
- Acting up or a tantrum? When a child is acting up, control is intact: he whines, bargains, glances at you and can switch off in an instant. In a tantrum control is lost: he does not bargain, does not track your reaction, does not hear words and cannot stop by himself — even if you give him what started it all.
- When did he last eat and sleep? Hunger, lack of sleep, overheating, an illness coming on — the most underrated cause. A good share of "terrible behaviour" is cured by food and sleep, not by parenting.
- How long has it been going on, and in which phase? A tantrum usually runs from anger (screaming, arching) to distress (crying, seeking comfort). In the second phase a child is already reachable for a hug; in the first, he is not.
- Is it safe around him — and how are you? The floor, trolleys, the corners of the stand. And the audience: hurrying under the eyes of the queue is the main source of parents' mistakes in this scene.
The forks: what you can do and what each one costs
If he is acting up: watching your reaction, bargaining
Action. Firmness without argument. The "no" stands; the choice is inside the rule, not around it: "we're not getting the egg — an apple or a banana at home?" For a small child a switch of attention is often enough: a game, the window, "look who's there". No bargaining once "no" has been said.
Cost. A few minutes of whining in public. Giving in costs more: a "no" that is cancelled after five minutes of whining teaches exactly one thing — whine longer.
What to watch. Whether it dies down without an audience. Acting up is addressed to a spectator and fades quickly without one.
If it is a tantrum: control is lost
Action. Fewer words: one short sentence in a calm, low voice — "I'm here, I'll help you calm down." Safety: move the trolley away, hold him gently if you have to, and if you can, go somewhere quieter with less noise and fewer onlookers. Stay close without looming over him. The talk comes after, not during. The refusal stands: otherwise the tantrum opens doors that words could not.
Cost. Waiting under the eyes of the queue and not "shoving the egg at him to shut him up". Persuasion and threats do not get through at this moment anyway — the child is physically not taking you in.
What to watch. How long it lasts and the shift from screaming to crying. In half of preschoolers a tantrum is shorter than five minutes — see the research below. When the storm has passed — water, a hug, sit together; later, calmly: what happened and what could be done differently.
If tantrums are frequent, long or come with self-harm
Action. Look not at the scene but at the whole picture: have the tantrums intensified sharply and for no visible reason, do they stay frequent and long after five or six, does the child hurt himself, is there a change behind the behaviour — a new nursery, a move, a divorce, a baby brother. Deal with the cause and the overload, with a specialist if need be.
Cost. Admitting that this is not a "discipline problem" that firmness will fix, but a signal.
What to watch. Unpredictability, duration and destructiveness — the three marks that in the research separate worrying tantrums from ordinary ones.
There are no ready-made lines here on purpose: every family has its own words. All three forks mean the same thing — when a child is acting up, firmness works; in a tantrum, help does.
What may be behind it
- The braking system matures last. When an emotion exceeds what it can handle, control switches off — that is mechanics, not naughtiness.
- The independence crisis. Between one and a half and three a child discovers "me do it" and protests against every "you have to" — to defend the right to decide.
- Testing the limits. Between three and five he finds out by experiment: is "no" really no, or "no until I whine"?
- Not enough attention. If calm behaviour passes unnoticed and acting up gathers the whole family, the child's choice is logical: attention with a minus sign beats none at all.
- Overload. Too many impressions and people — and by evening the child "falls apart" over nothing.
What research says
Almost all preschoolers have tantrums — and they are usually short
Who and on whom. Lauren Wakschlag and colleagues, 2012, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 1,490 preschoolers; parents surveyed with a purpose-built questionnaire.
What they found. 83.7% of children have tantrums at least sometimes, 8.6% daily; in 46.5% they last under five minutes. Ordinary tantrums are frustration in expected circumstances; the worrying signs are unpredictability, duration and destructiveness.
What it does not prove. Parents' reports, one country. The study gives a benchmark of what is normal, not a diagnosis.
A tantrum has two independent components — anger and distress
Who and on whom. Michael Potegal and Richard Davidson, 2003, Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics. 335 children aged 18 to 60 months; parents' descriptions of tantrums analysed in 30-second segments.
What they found. The behaviour breaks down into two independent components: anger (screaming, stamping, hitting) and distress (whining, crying, seeking comfort). Intense anger decreases with age, low-level anger increases.
What it does not prove. Parents' descriptions, not video. The study is about how a tantrum is built, not how to stop it.
Screaming and crying in a tantrum are different emotions — and they come in a different order
Who and on whom. James Green, Pamela Whitney and Michael Potegal, 2011, Emotion. Audio recordings of children's tantrums, acoustic analysis.
What they found. Screaming and yelling carry anger, crying and whining carry sadness; they have different acoustic features and a different course over time within a single tantrum.
What it does not prove. A small laboratory study. But it explains a practical rule: while a child is screaming he is angry and unreachable; when he shifts to crying he is looking for comfort — and that is when a hug is right.
For a parent the three studies point the same way: a tantrum is a normal part of the preschool years, it has a shape and a course, and a child needs help in step with that course, not against it.
By age
| Age | What changes |
|---|---|
| 1.5–3 | Tantrums are a developmental norm; words barely work. What helps: the basics (sleep, food), predictability and switching attention. The "me do it" crisis: let him decide where he can. |
| 3–5 | The case above is about this age. Acting up as negotiation appears: telling it from a tantrum is a parent's main skill. A "no" that holds saves months. |
| 5–7 | Tantrums thin out and get shorter; the child can name a feeling in words if he has been taught to. Frequent, long tantrums after five or six are a reason to look closer. |
| school age | Tantrums give way to tiredness from lessons and resentment at unfairness the child cannot yet put into words. Acting up here is more often a request for attention. |
Where culture comes in. Tolerance of children's noise in public and the acceptability of comforting a child in front of others differ between countries. The forks above do not argue with that: they say the rule holds when a child is acting up and you stay close in a tantrum; what that looks like in your shop is up to you.
How to prevent acting up and tantrums
- A predictable routine. Food, sleep and walks at roughly the same time remove the most common ground for acting up. Boring, but it works. On the link between acting up and sleep — a separate article.
- Warn before transitions. "Two more minutes, then we put it away" is cheaper than a scene.
- Ask what fits the age. A two-year-old cannot wait quietly for forty minutes in a queue. Part of "acting up" is tasks beyond his strength.
- The same rules from every adult. If mum says "no" and grandma says "oh, all right", the child is not acting up — he is sensibly using the system. How to build rules without shouting — in the case on boundaries.
- Teach him to name feelings in words. A child who can say "I'm angry" acts up less often: he has something to replace whining with. That is a skill — on emotional intelligence.
Playful tricks that turn a conflict from "child against parent" into "the two of us against the task": a countdown from five to one, as before a rocket launch; a timer that "itself" announces the end of cartoons; a "mood notebook" where the child draws what made him angry. If it is you who is boiling over — we have a separate case on parental anger.
And the last thing worth remembering on the loudest evening: acting up is not a failure of parenting but part of growing. The task is not to root out protest but to teach him to voice it in words rather than howls. That takes years, and they are normal years.
Sources
- Wakschlag L. S. et al. Defining the developmental parameters of temper loss in early childhood: implications for developmental psychopathology. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 2012. doi:10.1111/j.1469-7610.2012.02595.x
- Potegal M., Davidson R. J. Temper tantrums in young children: 1. Behavioral composition. Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, 2003, 24(3), 140–147. PubMed 12806225
- Green J. A., Whitney P. G., Potegal M. Screaming, yelling, whining, and crying: Categorical and intensity differences in vocal expressions of anger and sadness in children's tantrums. Emotion, 2011, 11(5), 1124–1133. PMC3192404
The scene is an illustration, not a real family. This material does not replace an in-person consultation with a specialist.