A child screaming on the shop floor, clinging to you in the nursery cloakroom, or raising a hand at his brother. At that moment a parent needs not definitions of emotional intelligence but two things: what to say now, and what to talk about later. Below are short lines for four such situations, what to do if words did not help, and adjustments for age.
In essence this is emotional intelligence in practice: not a talk about the importance of feelings but an adult's specific reaction in a specific minute. How the skill itself builds up over the years and steps is covered in a separate piece — how to develop a child's emotional intelligence. Here — only the moment.
Does my child hear me during a tantrum?
Barely. At the peak of a tantrum a child struggles to process a long speech: the part of the brain responsible for inhibition — the same one that lets an adult get angry and still not slam the door — matures last and at that moment cannot cope. The child is not "manipulating" and not "testing you": what you expect of him is simply out of his reach right now.
Hence the main rule of the moment: one short sentence instead of explanations — about the limit and about the fact that you are there. Agreements, conclusions and "you know perfectly well" are moved to later, once the storm has passed.
Four steps while the storm lasts:
- Fewer words. One sentence in an even, slightly lower voice: "I'm here. You can't do that, but I'm here."
- Be close without looming: crouch to the child's level, to the side, rather than standing over him.
- Remove the extras — onlookers, noise, bright stimuli — or take the child somewhere quieter.
- The debrief comes after. Half an hour later or in the evening, when the child can hear again — not during.
If even that did not help — there is no point looking for a new magic phrase; there isn't one. From here the task is single: keep him safe, add no stimuli and wait beside him for the wave to pass. Hug — only if the child comes into the hug himself: touch does not calm everyone, and some it angers even more at the peak.
My child cries and doesn't want to go to nursery — what do I do?
The most seasonal of the situations: it unfolds at the end of August and in September, and after a long summer even children who went happily in spring have to get used to it all over again. There is no single settling-in period — for some it is a few days, for others a few weeks, and one hard week is too early to judge by. The refusal itself is usually not about the nursery but about parting: it is anxiety, not a whim.
A detail that is easy to miss: your own anxiety is read by the child almost without loss. If you are tense yourself in the morning — "there's going to be a scene, we'll be late again" — the child reacts to that before he reacts to the nursery.
What you can say:
- Name the feeling and give a point of return: "You don't want to say goodbye. I'll come after lunch, right after nap." The point of return is tied to an event of the day, not to the clock — "after nap", "after the walk": a child does not read time off a dial. For a two-year-old, shorter still: "Mummy comes after nap. Mummy always comes."
- Introduce a short, identical goodbye ritual: one sentence, one hug, leave. Dragging out the goodbye increases anxiety rather than reducing it.
- In the evening, ask specifically, not "how was nursery": "What was the most boring part? And who did you play with?"
What not to do: slip away while the child is looking the other way. That buys a quiet morning and broken trust: in the days that follow he will keep you in sight and worry more. And do not promise what you will not deliver ("I'll pick you up first of all").
Telling normal adaptation from the kind that needs help is best done not by the calendar but by the signs. Take notice if:
- the child cries before nursery for longer than a week with no trend at all;
- it comes to vomiting or refusing food;
- he cannot be comforted even an hour after you leave;
- regression has appeared — sleep, speech, toilet habits;
- he is terrified of one particular adult at the nursery or says he is being hurt or hit. That is no longer about adaptation: you deal with the nursery itself first, not with getting used to it.
A useful question for the teacher is not "did he cry" but "how many minutes after I left did he join a game or sit down to eat". Ordinary adaptation looks exactly like this: hard in the cloakroom, but joining in faster and faster.
The whole of this scene — what to find out, three forks and what research knows about adaptation — is in the case "Your child cries at nursery drop-off".
How to calm a child who is screaming in a shop?
A shop differs from home in one thing: you have an audience, and half of your tension is them, not the child. So the first decision is made silently, to yourself: right now you are dealing with the child, not with your reputation. Once that fork is passed, everything gets easier.
What you can say:
- "You really want that car. I understand. We're not buying it today." Then — add no arguments; repeat the same thing in the same words: there is nothing to argue with when the wording does not change.
- "Let's go to the exit, it's quieter there, I'll wait with you." A change of place often helps more than persuasion: you remove the onlookers and the extra stimuli. If the screaming does not stop, it is fine to leave the basket and walk out together — the shopping can wait.
- At home, when it is over — a short debrief: "It was upsetting to leave without the car. That happens, it's hard." From about five you can add: "If you want something in a shop — say it in words, and I'll explain whether we're buying it or not." From a two- or three-year-old a plan like "next time I'll say it in words" is too much to expect: it is enough for him that the feeling was named.
What not to do: cancel the refusal in the middle of the screaming. Giving in at that point teaches one thing — that volume works, and next time it will be louder. If the decision really was hasty, it can be changed later, calmly explaining why you changed your mind.
Why acting up and tantrums keep coming back at all, and how one differs from the other, is a separate case: how to cope with a child's tantrums and acting up. Here — only the scene in the shop.
What to do when children fight over one toy?
First — hands: separate them, make sure nobody is hurt. The talking starts after that. And it helps to remember that the conflict is often not only about the toy: children also care about who gets the adult's attention right now and whether the world is being divided fairly. So establishing "who had it first" settles the question of the toy — and does not settle the conflict.
What you can say:
- Stop the action without an inquiry: "Stop. No fighting." Short, no names, no culprits — this is not a trial, it is a stop.
- Give each a voice in turn: "What did you want? And you?" A child who has been heard is noticeably more willing to listen to the other.
- Hand the decision to them: "What can we come up with so it's fine for both?" The adult runs the process rather than delivering a verdict: children find it easier to keep a decision they took part in finding.
- If no decision is found, the toy goes on pause — as a consequence, not a punishment: "Until you've agreed, the car stays with me."
What not to do: appoint the culprit by age ("you're older, give in") and demand a formal "say sorry". The first stores up resentment in the older child for years; the second teaches saying the right word without regret. What works is the question "how can you put this right now" — an apology without repair is empty.
An important caveat: this script is for everyday scuffles between roughly equal children. If one is systematically cruel to the other — hits, humiliates, exploits a difference in age and strength — the position "sort it out between yourselves" is dangerous: it leaves the younger one without protection. That kind of aggression is stopped firmly and unambiguously, and the one hurt is protected without any "it's your own fault". And if the scuffles go round in circles and look more and more like jealousy, start with the case on sibling rivalry.
Whether children should be made to share at all, and how to set up turns so that they are accepted — in the case "My child won't share toys".
What to answer to "You're a bad mum"?
This line hurts most of all, and that is exactly why it is so often answered badly. Often what stands behind it is this: the child has a very strong feeling and no words to express it — so he takes the strongest wording available, the one that is sure to hit home. That is not depravity but a poor vocabulary of feelings.
What you can say:
- "You're very angry with me right now. You may be angry. Saying that is hurtful." We separate the right to the feeling from the way it is delivered — the same separation as in "you may be angry, you may not hit".
- Voice the replacement yourself, without demanding that he repeat it: "I can see: you're angry that I didn't let you." Demanding "say it properly" from a child in the heat of feeling is an almost guaranteed new outburst. But a sentence you say for him again and again he takes over in time — that is how the vocabulary grows.
- If it stung you, name it without blame: "It's unpleasant for me to hear that." But not "you've upset me, I've got a headache because of you" — responsibility for adult feelings stays with the adult.
What not to do: answer in kind ("and you're a bad son") or cut him off ("don't you dare talk to me like that"). The first destroys his footing; the second drives the feeling inward: the child will stop saying the line but not stop feeling it — and you will lose the signal.
What research says
Three studies stand behind the lines above. For each, what it showed — and what it does not prove.
A tantrum has two independent parts — anger and distress — and they come in a different order
Who and on whom. Michael Potegal and Richard Davidson, 2003, Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics. 335 children aged 18 to 60 months; parents' descriptions of tantrums were analysed in 30-second segments.
What they found. The behaviour breaks down into two independent components: anger (screaming, stamping, hitting) and distress (whining, crying, seeking comfort). Intense anger decreases with age; mild anger increases.
What it does not prove. Parents' descriptions, not video; a study of how a tantrum is built, not of what to say. But the rule "fewer words while the anger lasts; a hug when the crying comes" rests on exactly this structure.
The stress of the first days without a parent is measurable — and settling-in days together protect the bond
Who and on whom. Lieselotte Ahnert, Megan Gunnar, Michael Lamb and Martina Barthel, 2004, Child Development. 70 children aged 15 months in Berlin: at home before nursery, in the settling-in phase with the mother, in the first nine days without her, and five months later.
What they found. In the first hour after the mother left, salivary cortisol rose to levels 75–100% above those at home. Securely attached children cried more at separation, but in the settling-in phase their stress was lower; attachment stayed secure or became secure when the mother had spent more days in the settling-in phase.
What it does not prove. Fifteen-month-olds, one country, 70 children. But for the scene in the cloakroom the conclusion is direct: tears at separation are physiology, not a whim, and a predictable goodbye and time with a parent in the group are not indulgence.
The ability to understand and regulate feelings at 3–4 predicts how peers will accept a child in kindergarten
Who and on whom. Susanne Denham and colleagues, 2003, Child Development. 143 preschoolers; emotional expressiveness, emotion regulation and emotion knowledge were assessed, and social competence through peer likability and teacher ratings, both at the time and later.
What they found. Emotional competence at 3–4 contributed to social competence both concurrently and later, in kindergarten. The authors conclude that even early in the preschool period the contribution of emotional competence has long-term implications.
What it does not prove. One country, 143 children, associations rather than an experiment. But it is an argument for the habit of naming the feeling for the child and going over the episode afterwards: a vocabulary of feelings is not "psychology for adults" but something that helps a child among other children.
For a parent the three studies point the same way: in the middle of the storm what is needed is not arguments but a short line and presence; tears at separation are stress that a ritual and time soften; and the words for feelings you give a child today work for his relationships with peers years later.
How does a child cope with emotions at 2, 4, 6 and 9?
The main cause of parental despair is expecting a skill the child does not have yet. The milestones below are not a standard but a map: some pass these points earlier, some later, and when tired, ill or after a move any child slides back to earlier behaviour. That is the norm, not a lost result.
| Age | Can already | Still hard | What the adult does |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2 years | Tells mood from your face and voice | Name a feeling in words; stop himself by an effort of will | Names the feeling for the child; stays close; speaks briefly |
| 4 years | Names basic feelings; begins to understand that another person has thoughts and feelings of their own | Hold a rule for long without a reminder; cope with a strong emotion alone | Asks "and what did he feel?"; a one-sentence rule; a choice of two — in a calm minute ("the blue hat or the red one?"), but not at the height of a tantrum |
| 6 years | Begins to understand complex social feelings — guilt, shame, pride; uses a calming method if it was agreed in advance | Hold two opposite feelings at once ("I'm angry and I love you"); keep self-control when tired and in public | Agrees a calming method in advance, in a calm time; goes over the situation after, not during |
| 9 years | Explains the cause of his state; argues about fairness; notices unfairness to others | Hold on when his reputation among peers is at stake | Talks as an equal and without an audience; admits he is right when he is right |
Checking against these milestones in a hard moment removes a good part of the conflict: a fair share of "disobedience" is simply a task beyond the age. The adjustment applies to the lines in this article too: for a two-year-old keep two or three words of them; with a nine-year-old they already sound like a conversation between equals.
I shouted at my child. What now?
It is worth looking at this from an unexpected side: a ruined evening is a chance to show the child, on yourself, what you teach him the rest of the day. He sees not a perfect adult who never gets angry — no such adult exists, and one cannot be imitated — but a living one who lost his temper and knows what to do next. It is the second part that is remembered.
What the child takes away from the repair:
- "I lost my temper and shouted. That was wrong." Strong feelings do not have to end in a rupture — it is enough to come back to the child the same day and name what happened. Without the addition "because you…": as soon as that "because" appears, the child hears that he is to blame, and the lesson turns into an accusation.
- "Shouting was wrong. And the toys still need to be put away." Admitting a mistake does not cancel the demands — otherwise the next scene will be started for the sake of your blow-up: after all, it resets the rules.
- "I need a pause. I'll be back in a minute." So anger gets an outlet other than shouting — and the child copies what he sees: announcing a pause out loud and stepping out for a minute will in time become his technique too.
- "These are my feelings, I'll cope with them." Comforting the adult, hugging on demand and "making mum feel better so she isn't upset" is not the child's job. Otherwise he grows up feeling that the adults' mood is on his conscience.
Separately: a one-off blow-up and constant irritation are different things, and the second is not cured by apologies. If the background has lasted for months, the place to start is not techniques for the child — see the case how not to lose your temper with your child. And the step-by-step repair after a blow-up, with wordings, is in the piece on raising a child without shouting or punishment.
When will my child learn to cope with emotions without my help?
The honest answer: years, not weeks. What speeds it up: a predictable routine — a hungry, under-slept child will not hold even what worked yesterday — the same reaction from the adults to the same thing, going over situations after rather than during, and your own example: how you get angry, apologise, admit a mistake. What slows it down: the demand "don't feel that", attention that comes only for shouting, and different rules from different adults in the family.
And it is worth remembering that the goal is not a convenient child who does not get in the way, but a person who understands what is happening to him, reckons with others and chooses his actions consciously. That is the basis of moral choice, for the sake of which all the work on emotions is done.
Progress is better measured not by the absence of tantrums but by what appears before them:
- first the child names the feeling after the episode;
- then — during;
- then — instead: not a scream but "I'm angry that you didn't let me".
That is the result.
Sources
- Potegal M., Davidson R. J. Temper tantrums in young children: 1. Behavioral composition. Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, 2003, 24(3), 140–147. PubMed 12806225
- Ahnert L., Gunnar M. R., Lamb M. E., Barthel M. Transition to child care: Associations with infant-mother attachment, infant negative emotion, and cortisol elevations. Child Development, 2004, 75(3), 639–650. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2004.00698.x
- Denham S. A., Blair K. A., DeMulder E., Levitas J., Sawyer K., Auerbach-Major S., Queenan P. Preschool emotional competence: Pathway to social competence? Child Development, 2003, 74(1), 238–256. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00533
The lines in this article are examples of what matters to convey, not a script to repeat. This material does not replace an in-person consultation with a specialist.