"Petya took two cakes", "Masha said a bad word", "Kolya isn't playing by the rules". A child who reports every other child's misdeed to the adults annoys parents and other children alike — and the word "tattletale" comes quickly. But studies of preschoolers show that children start reporting violations before they learn to lie, that what they report is mostly true, and that behind one and the same "but he…" stand three different things: a request for protection, a passion for rules, and a struggle for a place among others. They need different answers — and above all, the channel through which a child will later tell you about something that really matters must not be shut. Below is one scene taken apart.
The scene
A children's birthday party, six five-year-olds. Your daughter comes up for the fourth time in half an hour: "Petya took two cakes." "Masha said a bad word." "Kolya won't play by the rules." The other parents exchange glances; the word "tattletale" is already hanging in the air.
One and the same scene is several different situations. They differ not in what she reports but in whom the violation harms and what she expects from you. The scene is an illustration, not a real family.
What to find out before acting
- Whom does the thing she reports harm? Her (something taken, a shove), another child (someone's drawing being ruined) — or nobody (a second cake, a bad word)? The first is a request for protection, the second is conscience, the third is rule-policing. These are three forks.
- What does she expect from you? That Petya is punished, that fairness is restored, that she is noticed — or is she simply sharing what she saw? The answer shows in her reaction to "thank you, I see": does she settle, or demand action?
- Has she tried telling Petya herself? Often a complaint is the only method she knows. If she has no words of her own, that is what to teach — not silence.
- How often, and about whom? Once a day is observation; every five minutes and always about the same children is about relationships, not rules.
- What happens to Petya after the report? If every report ends in his public punishment, reporting becomes profitable — and that is the mechanism research links with power over peers.
The forks: what you can do and what each one costs
If the violation harms her — this is not tattling but a request for help
Action. Do not shut it down: "don't tattle" here teaches her to put up with things. First ask what she has already said to Petya — and give her the words if she has none: "tell him: that's mine, give it back." Step in yourself only if it is unsafe or her words did not work. If you do step in — briefly and without a trial: return the thing, stop the action, no inquiry into "who started it".
Cost. Time: teaching her to speak to the offender takes longer than sorting it out yourself. And having to wait while she tries.
What to watch. Whether she starts speaking to Petya before she comes to you. That is the result: the complaint becomes the second step, not the first.
If the violation harms nobody — this is a passion for rules
Action. Acknowledge the observation without a reward and without punishing the third party: "you noticed — yes, the rule is one cake each." And hand the question back to her: "is it dangerous, does it hurt someone — or is it just against the rules?" Teach the distinction: dangerous or hurtful — always tell an adult; against the rules but harming nobody — you may leave it, or say it to the child yourself. Do not hold an inquiry in front of everyone and do not punish Petya on her report: a public trial turns the complaint into a tool.
Cost. She is unhappy that "nothing was done", and in the first weeks she complains just as much. The temptation to act on every report is strong — react to the substance, not to the fact of reporting.
What to watch. Whether complaints about trifles grow rarer after a few weeks — and whether the ones about important things remain. If they have all vanished, you overdid it: the channel has closed.
If the complaints are a way to gain power or attention
Action. The signs: she complains often and with relish, always about rivals, exaggerates, demands punishment. Do not shame her with the word "tattletale" — it shuts the channel you will need when bullying is at stake. But do not give her what she is after for the complaints either: neither punishment of the other child nor long attention to the report. Deal with it privately, not in front of the group; give attention for other things — for playing with those same children, for helping. Look at her place among peers: behind such complaints there is often loneliness or a fight for first place.
Cost. Patience, and an honest look at how she treats others — the study below links frequent reporting with pressure on peers through relationships rather than fists.
What to watch. Her relationships with children: is she invited, does she invite. The truthfulness of the reports — by the data below, children mostly tell the truth, and that is the assumption to start from.
There are no ready-made lines here on purpose: every family has its own words. All three forks mean the same thing: reporting what is dangerous or hurtful is always allowed; reporting what is merely "against the rules" is optional; and the word "tattletale" is not spoken in any of them.
What may be behind it
- A passion for rules. At three to five, children infer norms from a single observed action and demand them of everyone — an age-related discovery, not spite.
- Conscience. Even three-year-olds protest when someone else's things are ruined and tell the victim about it — reporting harm to another is an early form of fairness.
- A request for protection. Most children's complaints are about what was done to them; there are no words yet for the offender, but there are words for the adult.
- Status and attention. A report after which an adult acts is a lever; children who strive for first place use it more often.
- "Why is he allowed?" The second cake is about fair shares; see the case on a child who won't share.
- Imitation. If the adults at home comment on each other's every slip, the child does the same with peers.
What research says
Children mostly report the truth, mostly about harm to themselves — and dominant children report more
Who and on whom. Gordon Ingram and Jesse Bering, 2010, Child Development. Observation in two preschools, 40 children, mean age about four.
What they found. Reports of others' violations made up the majority of all children's talk about peers' behaviour to third parties. They were usually truthful; they rarely concerned violations against other children — more often against the reporter — and adults rarely ignored them. Dominant children reported more often, and the frequency of reporting correlated with what teachers described as relational aggression — pressure on peers through relationships.
What it does not prove. Two preschools in one country, 40 children, observation. The study does not say a tattler is an aggressor; it says a complaint is a tool, and for some children a tool of status.
Three-year-olds stand up for an absent victim — protest, tell and comfort
Who and on whom. Amrisha Vaish, Manuela Missana and Michael Tomasello, 2011, British Journal of Developmental Psychology. Three-year-olds and two puppets: one left the room, the other destroyed its drawing or clay figure.
What they found. When someone else's work was destroyed, children protested during the act, and when the victim puppet returned they told it what had happened and behaved prosocially towards it — markedly more than in a control condition without harm. This was the first study to show that children as young as three actively intervene in transgressions against third parties.
What it does not prove. A laboratory and puppets, one country. But for the scene above the conclusion matters: reporting harm to another is not tattling but early conscience, and shutting it down is a mistake.
Three-year-olds infer a rule from a single action — and demand it of everyone
Who and on whom. Marco Schmidt, Lucas Butler, Julia Heinz and Michael Tomasello, 2016, Psychological Science. Three-year-olds watched a single action by an adult with no indication whatsoever of a rule.
What they found. The children themselves inferred a norm from what they saw — "this is how it's done" — and demanded that third parties follow it, protesting when they "broke" it. The authors call three-year-olds "promiscuous normativists": they go from "is" to "ought" without any teaching.
What it does not prove. An experiment with puppets, one country. But it explains the second cake: for a five-year-old, "one cake each" is not a recommendation but a law for everyone, and breaking it is an event she cannot keep quiet about.
For a parent the three studies point the same way: a child's complaint is not a vice but three different signals under one word. Conscience and a request for protection are to be supported; the passion for rules is to be steered with the question "dangerous, or just against the rules?"; and the tool of status is to be stripped of its reward without stripping the child of the channel.
By age
| Age | What changes |
|---|---|
| 3–4 | Complaints appear together with the discovery of rules and with conscience: the child reports almost everything and almost always truthfully. Teach one distinction: dangerous or hurtful — always tell an adult. |
| 5–7 | The case above is about this age. She can already tell harm from a rule; give her words for the offender; do not punish on her report in front of everyone. Complaints for status appear — visible by their frequency and relish. |
| 8–11 | The peer code arrives: "snitch" is the worst word in the yard, and children fall silent. The parent's task is the reverse: keep the channel open for serious things — bullying, danger, someone else's trouble. See the case on bullying. |
| 12–14 | Telling an adult is a conflict of loyalty to the group. The safety rule is stated explicitly: a threat to life or health — one's own or someone else's — is always reported, and that is not betrayal. |
Where culture comes in. In some families and countries "don't tell tales" is the first rule of the playground; in others children are taught outright to "tell an adult". The forks above do not argue with that: what is dangerous or hurtful may be reported anywhere, and where the line of "trifles" runs in your home is up to you.
When to see a specialist
Frequent complaints at five are part of the age. Take notice if a child checks and reports on rules constantly, worries about every slip by others and is afraid of making a mistake himself — that may be about anxiety rather than rules; if he has not a single friend and complaints are his only form of contact with children; if he reports being hurt and the adults wave it away with "don't tattle" — that is no longer about complaints but about bullying. Anxiety and loneliness go to a child psychologist; bullying goes first to the nursery or school.
What a child learns when she is not called a tattletale
To distinguish: what is dangerous, what hurts someone else, and what is merely against the rules. To speak to the offender herself — and to come to an adult when her own words were not enough. And the main thing: nobody is shamed for reporting trouble — so trouble can be reported at ten and at fourteen too, when silence will cost dearly. On why children at this same age also begin to hide the truth — in the case on children's lies; on rules that hold without inquiries — in the case on boundaries.
Sources
- Ingram G. P. D., Bering J. M. Children's tattling: The reporting of everyday norm violations in preschool settings. Child Development, 2010, 81(3), 945–957. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2010.01444.x
- Vaish A., Missana M., Tomasello M. Three-year-old children intervene in third-party moral transgressions. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 2011, 29(1), 124–130. doi:10.1348/026151010X532888
- Schmidt M. F. H., Butler L. P., Heinz J., Tomasello M. Young children see a single action and infer a social norm: Promiscuous normativity in 3-year-olds. Psychological Science, 2016, 27(10), 1360–1370. doi:10.1177/0956797616661182
The scene is an illustration, not a real family. This material does not replace an in-person consultation with a specialist.