A shout from the living room, then crying: "He hit me!" — "She bit first!" The parent runs towards the noise and, already on the threshold, has to decide who to be: the judge who will find out who started it; the policeman who will send both to their rooms; or someone else. Research on quarrels between brothers and sisters says two things that sit badly with the habit of "they'll grow out of it": first, fights between siblings are not harmless roughhousing — their mark on mental health is comparable to that of bullying by peers; second, parents can be taught to handle these quarrels in a way that gets children negotiating on their own. Below is one scene taken apart: what to find out before acting, what to choose between, what each choice leads to, and what is known about it.
The scene
A seven-year-old and a four-year-old — and one TV remote. He grabs it, she bites his arm, he hits her on the back, she howls. By the time you arrive the versions are ready: "He hit me!" — "She bit first!" You saw nothing.
One and the same scene is several different situations. They differ not in who started it but in whether the two are evenly matched, whether one child is afraid of the other, and whether this happens every day. The scene is an illustration, not a real family.
What to find out before acting
- Roughhousing, a quarrel or aggression? In roughhousing both laugh and nobody runs to you. In a quarrel over the remote both are angry, the forces are roughly equal, and the grievances are gone by dinner. In aggression one child systematically hurts the other — and the other is afraid of him. These are three different forks.
- Is there a permanent culprit? If every post-mortem ends with "you're the older one!", the older child learns that there is no justice at home, and the younger that biting and crying pays.
- What do they fight over most often? A resource — the remote, the seat by the window, your attention — is solved by turn-taking rules. Territory and belongings — by boundaries: each has something of their own, untouchable. Attention — by time with each child separately.
- How hard, and how often? Bruises, damaged belongings, the same child in tears every day, fear of being left alone together — this is no longer about the remote. The study below shows that this should not be written off as "kids fight".
- Who are you in these scenes? The judge asks "who started it?" — and is always wrong, because he did not see. The policeman sends both to their corners — fast, but it teaches nobody anything. The mediator helps them come to an agreement — slower, but it is the only role that research links to children starting to settle quarrels themselves.
The forks: what you can do and what each one costs
If it is a quarrel over a resource — evenly matched, nobody afraid
Action. Do not look for a culprit. First stop the hands and teeth — briefly and the same for both: "in this house we don't hit and we don't bite — nobody." Give both a minute to cool down. Then mediation, the way it is taught in the studies below: each in turn says what they wanted, the other repeats it in their own words; then together they work out what to do about the remote — turns, a timer, "he chooses today, she chooses tomorrow". The solution is written down or spoken as a rule for the future.
Cost. Ten minutes instead of thirty seconds of "both to your rooms". And patience with the fact that the first few times the children will wait for your verdict instead of deciding.
What to watch. Whether they start proposing "let's take turns" themselves before you arrive. By the data below, that is exactly what changes first.
If you have a permanent culprit — and you are used to judging
Action. Stop asking "who started it" — you did not see, and each child saw their own version. Hitting and biting are a separate ban with the same consequence for both, whoever started: that is about the house rule, not about guilt. The conflict itself is handled as in the first fork. Check whether the older one has been appointed guilty by default — "you're older, give in" — and whether the younger one has learnt to run to you in tears as a weapon; see the case on tattling. Give each child one-to-one time with you — not for good behaviour, but on a schedule.
Cost. Admitting that the older child is not obliged to give in just because he is older — and living through a few scenes while the younger one tests whether "he hit me" still works.
What to watch. Whether the pattern shifts: fewer tears "for an audience", more attempts to sort it out between themselves. And whether the cry of "not fair!" has become the main genre — then see the case on unfairness.
If one child systematically hurts the other — who is afraid; there are bruises, damaged things, humiliation
Action. Call it by its name to yourself: this is not "kids fighting" but aggression in the family, and it is stopped the way bullying is. First, protection of the one being hurt: he is not left alone with the aggressor, an adult stays nearby. Zero tolerance for hitting — no "he asked for it". Separately and calmly, the causes on the side of the one who hits: jealousy, his own grievance, imitation — where he has seen hitting; on jealousy between children see the case on siblings, on fights with other children the case on why a child hits. Time with each child separately. If nothing changes in a few weeks — a specialist, without delay.
Cost. Admitting the problem instead of "they'll grow out of it", and spending adult time on it every day until it is safe.
What to watch. The younger child's fear: does he stop avoiding his brother. The frequency and force of the episodes. The older child's behaviour outside the home — at nursery, at school.
There are no ready-made lines here on purpose: every family has its own words. All three forks mean the same thing: hitting is banned for everyone regardless of who started, and a quarrel is handled not by a trial but by mediation — until the children start negotiating on their own.
What may be behind it
- A fight over a resource. The remote, a seat, a toy — and most often your attention, which at the moment of a fight is guaranteed to both.
- Jealousy. The younger one "gets away with everything", the older one "is allowed everything" — both versions live in the same flat at the same time.
- Not knowing how to negotiate. It is a skill, not an innate trait; if nobody has shown it, the only tool they know is force.
- Tiredness and boredom. Evening, screens, the end of a day off: fights thicken where energy and activities have run out.
- Imitation. Children who are smacked or shouted at settle disputes between themselves the same way.
- Fixed roles. "He's our aggressive one", "she's our sly one" — said in front of the children, it becomes a script.
- Age. At two to four a bite is speech: the child cannot yet say "give it back" faster than he can bite.
What research says
Parents can be taught to mediate — and the children start negotiating on their own
Who and on whom. Julie Smith and Hildy Ross, 2007, Child Development. 48 families with children aged 5–10, randomly assigned: some parents were trained in a formal mediation procedure for their children's disputes, others intervened as they normally would.
What they found. In the mediation families parents reported that the children used more constructive conflict-resolution strategies, compromised more often and more often controlled the outcome of conflicts themselves. In observations, these children showed less negativity in their independent negotiations over recurring conflicts, understood better that assessing blame depends on how an event is interpreted, and knew their sibling's perspective better.
What it does not prove. A small sample, one country, a short follow-up. But it is a rare case of a parenting technique tested in a randomized experiment — and it worked.
Mediation empowers the younger ones — those who usually lose the "who started it" trial, or win it with tears
Who and on whom. Afshan Siddiqui and Hildy Ross, 2004, Journal of Family Psychology. Families with children aged 5–8; mothers were trained in mediation and compared with control families at home and in the laboratory.
What they found. With training, mothers could use mediation strategies, and both mothers and children preferred them. Children responded to mediation appropriately: they reasoned, discussed emotions and understood each other's motivations more often than in control families. Mediation empowered children, particularly younger siblings, to solve the issues in dispute themselves.
What it does not prove. A feasibility study with short-term effects; the authors leave the question of long-term consequences open. But for the scene above the conclusion is concrete: a four-year-old can take part in working things out, not only howl — if the process is set up so that she is listened to.
Aggression between siblings is not harmless: its mark on mental health is like that of peer bullying
Who and on whom. Corinna Tucker, David Finkelhor and colleagues, 2013, Pediatrics. A US national probability sample of 3,599 children and adolescents aged 0–17; telephone interviews with youths aged 10–17 and with the parents of children up to 9.
What they found. Children and adolescents who in the past year had experienced aggression from a sibling — psychological, against their property, mild or severe physical assault — reported greater mental health distress. Children up to 9 suffered more from mild physical assault than adolescents did. Sibling aggression and peer aggression independently predicted worse mental health.
What it does not prove. A survey, one year, associations rather than causes; "mild physical assault" in the questionnaire is broader than a slap over the remote. But the authors' conclusion is direct, and it is about the third fork: the effort society spends on stopping bullying at school should extend to fights at home.
For a parent the three studies point the same way: fights between children are neither harmless nor something they simply grow out of; and the adult role that changes things is neither judge nor policeman but mediator — and it can be learnt.
By age
| Age | What changes |
|---|---|
| 2–4 | They bite and push because words are still few. Separate them, name the feeling for the child ("you wanted the remote, you're angry"), give words instead of teeth. Do not expect an agreement — there is nothing to build one from yet. |
| 5–7 | The case above is about this age. Mediation already works — by the data above, from five. A ban on hitting plus turns and a timer settle most quarrels over a resource. |
| 8–11 | Rules are worked out together — a family meeting once a week; quarrels in words are normal, fights are stopped without examining the causes. Each child gets something untouchable of their own: a shelf, a drawer, time. |
| 12–14 | Fights should be gone; if they continue, it is a signal, not "character". The main resource now is territory and privacy; on rules a teenager will accept — in the case on boundaries for a teenager. |
Where culture comes in. In some cultures the elder is obliged to give in by default, and is also the one held to account for every fight; in others the children are equals and the matter is examined on its merits. Mediation was tested on Canadian families with children aged 5–10 — in families with a strict age hierarchy it will need adjusting. The forks above do not argue with that: a ban on hitting for everyone and working things out instead of a trial transfer to any family, while how much the elder "owes" is up to you.
When to see a specialist
Quarrels and scuffles between brothers and sisters are part of growing up. Take notice if one child is afraid of the other and avoids being left with him; if there are bruises, damaged belongings, systematic humiliation; if the fights do not subside within a few weeks of your changing your role; if the aggressive child behaves the same way at nursery or school; if sexualised behaviour appears in the scuffles. That is a conversation with a child psychologist or a family consultation — without waiting for them to "grow out of it". On bullying outside the home — the case on bullying.
What a child learns when a quarrel is worked out rather than judged
That a conflict is a task with a solution, not a search for a culprit. That nobody may hit, including the one who "started it". That he is listened to even when he is younger and weaker — and that agreeing is faster than fighting it out. He will carry that skill from home to the playground, to school and into adult life. On the jealousy that often lies behind the fights — in the case on siblings.
Sources
- Smith J., Ross H. Training parents to mediate sibling disputes affects children's negotiation and conflict understanding. Child Development, 2007, 78(3), 790–805. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2007.01033.x
- Siddiqui A., Ross H. Mediation as a method of parent intervention in children's disputes. Journal of Family Psychology, 2004, 18(1), 147–159. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.18.1.147
- Tucker C. J., Finkelhor D., Turner H., Shattuck A. Association of sibling aggression with child and adolescent mental health. Pediatrics, 2013, 132(1), 79–84. doi:10.1542/peds.2012-3801
The scene is an illustration, not a real family. This material does not replace an in-person consultation with a specialist.