"There's a tiger living at our house", "my dad is an astronaut", "I flew yesterday". A parent listens and does not know what to do: laugh, correct, or worry that the child is lying. Research on children's imagination answers calmly: children tell fantasy from reality far better than is commonly thought; imaginary friends are common in most children up to seven; and lying is a separate skill that appears in the same years and differs from fantasy by one mark — gain. Below is one scene taken apart: what to find out before acting, what to choose between, what each choice leads to, and what is known about it.
The scene
A five-year-old tells the teacher and the whole group that a real tiger lives at his house and that his dad is an astronaut flying to the Moon tomorrow. The children believe him and are envious. In the evening the teacher retells it to you — with a questioning intonation.
One and the same scene is several different situations. They differ not in the scale of the invention but in whether the child knows it is untrue and in what the invention brings him. The scene is an illustration, not a real family.
What to find out before acting
- Does the invention gain anything? Fantasy in itself brings nothing but pleasure; a lie covers a misdeed or gains an advantage. "A tiger at home" saves nobody from punishment. "It wasn't me who broke it, it was Petya" does. These are different forks.
- Does he himself know it is not true? Ask him in private and calmly: "is that for real or pretend?" The research below shows that children can tell invention from reality from preschool age; what they confuse is not the facts but the genre — they forget to say they are making it up.
- Whom is he telling, and why? The group — about the astronaut dad: that is about his place among the children. Himself before sleep — about the tiger: that is play or comfort. You — to see what happens: a test.
- What has changed around him? A new nursery, a baby brother, a move — tall tales often thicken where reality has become hard.
- How do the adults react? Delight and laughter reinforce public inventions; exposure in front of everyone teaches shame — and to hide the invention better.
The forks: what you can do and what each one costs
If it is a game of "pretend" — and he knows it
Action. Do not expose him in front of everyone. Play along, but within a frame: "what a great idea — and how does the tiger fit in the flat? where does he sleep?" — so the invention turns into a story, and the story into creativity. In private, teach a marker: "I made it up", "this is pretend" — two words that keep the fantasy and stop deception from starting. Do not "treat" an imaginary friend: it is the norm, and by the data below a common one.
Cost. Patience with endless stories, and giving up the reflex of "don't make things up". A fantasy that has been laughed at does not disappear — it goes underground.
What to watch. Whether he starts marking it himself: "I'm making this up now." That is the result: the genre is named, there is no deception.
If the invention buys status or attention — "my dad is an astronaut" in front of the group
Action. Do not shame him and do not expose him in front of the children — but do not reinforce it with delight either. Take an interest in the real thing: "tell the kids what dad really does — he fixes cars, that's interesting." Give attention for what is real — for what he can do and has done. Look at his place in the group: tall tales about himself often grow where a child feels that the real him is not enough; see the case on self-esteem.
Cost. Admitting that the "real" seems duller to him — and spending time to change that.
What to watch. Whether the inventions in front of an audience grow rarer after a month or two. Whether he talks about his real self without embellishment.
If the invention covers a misdeed or harms someone else
Action. "Petya broke the cup" with a broken cup and no Petya in sight is no longer fantasy but a lie, and it is handled as a lie: without the trap "are you sure you didn't break it?", with facts and with repair. In detail — in the case on children's lies. If the invention harms another child — "Masha hit me" when she did not — protect Masha first, then find out why.
Cost. Not confusing one with the other: punishing the tiger teaches him not to imagine, not not to lie; laughing at "Petya broke it" teaches that a lie gets through.
What to watch. Whether lying for gain appears regularly — then it is a separate conversation about honesty, not about imagination.
There are no ready-made lines here on purpose: every family has its own words. All three forks mean the same thing: fantasy is kept and its genre named, an invention for status is not reinforced, and a lie for gain is handled as a lie.
What may be behind it
- Imagination as norm and resource. Pretend play is linked with understanding other people's feelings and thoughts — not a deviation but a training ground.
- The wish to be noticed. The group values the vivid; a tiger is brighter than a hamster, an astronaut brighter than a car mechanic.
- The wished-for said as real. Under a strong feeling a child says "I have a tiger", meaning "I want a tiger very much".
- Comfort. An imaginary friend or a guardian tiger appears when it is frightening or lonely — and leaves when it gets easier.
- Imitation. Adults who "embellish" in front of guests demonstrate the genre — and the child picks it up.
What research says
Imaginary friends by age seven — in most children, and linked with understanding feelings
Who and on whom. Marjorie Taylor, Stephanie Carlson and colleagues, 2004, Developmental Psychology. 152 preschoolers, 100 of them retested three years later.
What they found. School-age children play with imaginary companions and impersonate characters no less than preschoolers; 65% of children up to age seven had an imaginary companion at some point. School-age children who did not impersonate scored lower on emotion understanding; theory of mind at four predicted emotion understanding three years later.
What it does not prove. One country, middle class, associations rather than causes. But for the scene above the conclusion is clear: an imaginary tiger is not a warning sign but a common and, it seems, useful part of childhood.
Children tell fantasy from reality no worse than adults — they are not "different thinkers"
Who and on whom. Jacqueline Woolley, 1997, Child Development. A review of research on how children and adults think about fantasy and magic.
What they found. The idea that young children cannot distinguish invention from reality is not supported: both children and adults entertain fantastical beliefs and magical thinking, and there is no fundamental difference in the ability to distinguish. The differences lie in experience and in what exactly is believed, not in how thinking is built.
What it does not prove. A review, not a single measurement. But it removes the main parental fear: a five-year-old telling about a tiger almost always knows there is no tiger — he simply did not say he was making it up.
Lying appears in the preschool years, can be self-serving or polite, and grows with understanding other minds
Who and on whom. Kang Lee, 2013, Child Development Perspectives. A review of two decades of research on children's lying.
What they found. Children begin to lie in the preschool years — both for their own benefit and out of politeness; the tendency to lie changes with age and depends on the type of lie, and the ability to lie convincingly grows. Understanding others' mental states and knowing social conventions play the central roles.
What it does not prove. A review of experimental, mostly laboratory work. But it supplies the criterion missing from the scene: a lie is a statement made with the intention to mislead, usually for something; a story about a tiger told as a story does not fall under that definition.
For a parent the three studies point the same way: fantasy and lying are different things, told apart by gain and intention rather than plausibility; fantasy is kept by naming the genre, and a lie is handled separately.
By age
| Age | What changes |
|---|---|
| 2–3 | Speech and play are still mixed; "the tiger" is play, "I didn't spill it" is a first lie, and most still give it away completely. Nothing to check or expose — name the genre for him: "you're playing tiger". |
| 4–5 | The case above is about this age. They tell invention from reality but forget to warn you; most have imaginary friends. Teach the marker "I made it up" and do not reinforce inventions about himself in front of the group. |
| 6–8 | Stories about himself are about status; lying becomes skilful. Tell them apart by gain: made-up stories go into a notebook and onto a stage, not into excuses. |
| 9–12 | Fantasy moves into creativity and games; tall tales about himself in front of peers are a signal about self-esteem, not about honesty. |
Where culture comes in. In some families and countries children's tall tales are an endearing tradition; in others any "untruth" is a lie that needs correcting. The forks above do not argue with that: the marker "I made it up" works everywhere, and how strictly to correct a tiger story is up to you.
When to see a specialist
A tiger at home and an astronaut dad at five are part of growing up. Take notice if after six or seven a child insists on the invention even in private and is frightened by it himself — the tiger "really" comes at night; if inventions crowd out real relationships — only imaginary friends, no real ones; if lying for gain has become the way to handle any difficulty. Anxiety and loneliness go to a child psychologist; lying goes to the case on children's lies and, if it is systematic, to a specialist too.
What a child learns when his story is not called a lie
That inventing is allowed and valuable, while deceiving is not, and that there is a word between them: "I made it up". That a real car-mechanic dad is no less interesting to the group than an astronaut, if you tell them about him. And that the adults listen to his stories — so they will listen to the truth too, when it becomes hard. How imagination turns into creativity — in the piece on raising a creative child.
Sources
- Taylor M., Carlson S. M., Maring B. L., Gerow L., Charley C. M. The characteristics and correlates of fantasy in school-age children: Imaginary companions, impersonation, and social understanding. Developmental Psychology, 2004, 40(6), 1173–1187. doi:10.1037/0012-1649.40.6.1173
- Woolley J. D. Thinking about fantasy: Are children fundamentally different thinkers and believers from adults? Child Development, 1997, 68(6), 991–1011. PubMed 9418217
- Lee K. Little liars: Development of verbal deception in children. Child Development Perspectives, 2013, 7(2), 91–96. doi:10.1111/cdep.12023
The scene is an illustration, not a real family. This material does not replace an in-person consultation with a specialist.